After 9/11, Kimia Mortazavi and her family decided to “tone down” their Muslim identity. She and her mother did not cover their hair, the family ate regular meat and they went to pray at their mosque in secret. For the 20-year-old psychology student, this retreat from her Muslim roots created an internal conflict that she would struggle with for years to come.

 

After the hysteria from 9/11 calmed down, Mortazavi said she and her family started practicing more openly. She started wearing the hijab and they went to their mosque more often. But for Mortazavi, she never fully grasped what her religion meant to her or her identity.

 

“It was kind of like I was always Muslim, but I wasn’t really sure how I should express that,” she said.

 

It’s been 15 years since the World Trade Center attacks, and Mortazavi still finds herself overwhelmed by the Islamaphobia that pervades Western culture. When the Paris bombings happened earlier this year, she said she almost did not go to her job the next day because she was worried her coworkers would look at her differently.

 

“The Paris one was probably one of the most terrifying one for me,” she said. “Because I had a Parisian artist in my studio that I had to work with that Monday and I was like ‘Oh no, he’s going to hate me.’”

 

Feeling paranoid after an attack is normal for Mortazavi. When asked if she usually prefers to stay home after an event, she responded “every single time.”

 

“I’ve gotten better, but it’s still not good because you know, I remember,” she said. “Every year on 9/11 I used to be really worried.”

 

Mortazavi said she recalls multiple incidents on different anniversaries of 9/11 where to the average American, they would seem normal and nothing to worry about. But for her, as Muslim that openly displays her religion with the hijab, every little thing that happens on that day contributes to her paranoia. With random attacks Mortazavi has sort of developed a defense mechanism through comedy.

 

“And it’s so bad but the only way you can deal with it is with humor,” she said.

 

Mortazavi said she and her friends usually joke when they hear about a terrorist attack and try to see who can guess the name of the criminals first.   

“I say Ahmed and then they’ll be like no no no, there has to be a Muhammad in there somewhere,” she laughed. “Part of it is not even being jaded, you just try to deal with it.”

 

Sometimes humor isn’t enough though, and Mortazavi can’t help but feel like an outsider in her own country. Especially in the media, Mortazavi said it’s hard to find a correct portrayal of a Muslim.

 

“It’s always in relation to the terrorist identity,” she said. “It’s always in relation to that. (And) I don’t want to be ‘not something’ – I don’t want to be a ‘not terrorist.’”

 

All of the negative portrayals of Muslims in the media – whether it be on the news or in Hollywood – has led Mortazavi to completely disconnect herself from most TV shows. She only watches animated cartoons because the Middle East and Islamaphobia rarely invade that world.

 

“It’s that bad. (And) it sucks. I don’t want to see that.”

 

With Islamaphobia seemingly more and more on the rise, Mortazavi said she is hopeful things will change but doubts whether society is capable of it.  

 

“It’s just an easy enemy,” she said. “I don’t know if we will ever be able to get over having this lazy hatred of people who are different. It’s another name to scare people.”

 

It’s this reality that Muslims who identify with Mortazavi have to face: a reality in which they are ostracized and discriminated against, and the only image offered of them is one that is negative and false. Mortazavi said for her, it’s important to try and ignore the paranoia that rests in the back of her mind and to just focus on who she is as a person, and use that to show people that not all Muslims are what mainstream society depicts them as.

“I think you have to learn not to please anyone, and when you’re wearing this, you’re not really pleasing anyone,” she said, pointing to her hijab. “Don’t fit yourself in a box. Figure out what you are then if you want to … make the box fit you.”